Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name