It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue