Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

The pasta is now

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”