It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You know…for fall…
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Look, a pure bread cat!
My Sentiments Exactly
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”