It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
You Might Also Like
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Lmao
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]