“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.