“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.