It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.