It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Whoops
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Voodoo map
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.