Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.