Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it