It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.