It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’m crying im so happy for them
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for