Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.