It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
You Might Also Like
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*