It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

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Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance


Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.


HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy


A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.


*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*


I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed


my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me


Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside


Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today