@Staggfilms

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

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@theBigMvee

Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance

@GeminiJew

Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.

@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

@mela_shea

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

@FlyJ_

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@prettysadmostly

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

@lucidchemistry

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today