Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies