Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Autocarrot sucks!

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond