It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?