“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.