It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I laughed at this way too hard.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.