Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.