It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
seriously you guys
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys