It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
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5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night