It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
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Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.