My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Can’t, holding a grudge
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”