“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”