Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.