It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
pictures of spider-man
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please