It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
