Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
This is painfully accurate 😅
