Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

#oldknees

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

🎉🥳

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Tell me you get it…🤣

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward