Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?