Its true…
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My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sunday
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY