It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
yeah no that’s fair
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?