It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.