Its true…
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
bros in the example zone 😭
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome