It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
