It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
