It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
did it work
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
