Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day