It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.