Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

See..?

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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Go gym

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

At ease

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer