Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time