It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters