Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Man these end times are taking forever

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???