It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.