Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?