It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.