It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
