Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Before & after 😅

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.