It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Anarchy
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY