It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
hmmmmmm
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me