It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?