It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit