It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.