It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
#FunnyLife Insects
