It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Inside you there are two wolves
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
*seductively eats two tums*
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
i actually laughed 😩
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69