It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
this made my day 😂
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Never be a pizza!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words