It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.