It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
You Might Also Like
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.