It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“our sushi is very fresh”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.