It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I cannot stop laughing at this
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.