It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI