It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.