It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”