it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
No Google it does not
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.