It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.