It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.