It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
You Might Also Like
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
feetloaf
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.