It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Möther may I have a snäck
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.