Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.