Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

🧠

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Tuesday

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.