@Bagyants

It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car

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@UncleDuke1969

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

@michaeljhudson

“Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace”

“Why, there’s nothing for them in Keny-”

“HAWAII, sir”

“Right, that’s wh

@lmegordon

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

@sassycupcake20

Me: Not today Satan.

Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.
🙃🧁

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@KateWhineHall

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

@nigelgodwin

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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