“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
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“Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace”
“Why, there’s nothing for them in Keny-”
“Right, that’s wh
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: Not today Satan.
Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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