Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
kitchen magnet
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.