It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car

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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.


Me: Not today Satan.

Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again


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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.


I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head


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